Copacabana: The GW Gang Does Barry Manilow
by Lady Scarlet-Une
Summary: I just mangled one of my all-time favorite songs. ^.^


Copacabana

The Gundam Wing Gang does Barry Manilow

by Lady Scarlet-Une

Relena: "Er..."

Duo: "Don't ask. Just do it."

Trowa: "..."

Heero: "...So do I get to wear a coconut bra?"

Everyone Else: ?!?!?!?!?!?

Quatre: "....I'll fight you for it." 

*******

Once upon a time, there stood a beautiful open-air night club on a resort tropical island. Various tiki torches were set up in a big circle at this club, all surrounding a large circular wooden dance floor. A wooden drink bar stood next to it and small little table-and-chair sets dotted the landscape. One day, a certain authoress, tired of indignant, flaming emails, walked into this club. It's beauty soothed her not-very-ravaged soul. An idea popped into her head right then and there and a sinister smile followed soon after. "They want less angst, do they?" Lady Scarlet-Une whispered evilly. "They want all Heero/Relena & Quatre/Dorothy stories to be burned, do they?!" LS-U cackled evilly. "They think I'm weird, do they?!?!" The sky momentarily darkens and lightning flashes across the sky. Flames suddenly appear and shoot up 30 feet behind the sinister LS-U, throwing her into a sinister shadowy darkness. Seconds later everything becomes normal again. LS-U, however, is still laughing madly. "I'll show you! I'll show you all!!!" Clutching a chibi Heero doll, she raises her arm high into the air and screams, "Gundam Crystal Power!!!" And thus this songfic was born....

~~~~~~

The setting is the afore-mentioned open-air tropical night club. Quatre, wearing a white linen leisure suit, strides onto the stage behind the dance floor. He surveys the audience and starts winking at all the cute girls. A certain forked-eyebrow former megalomaniac can be seen eyeing him seductively over the rim of her umbrella-d mixed drink. Quatre coyly winks at her and blows her a kiss. In response, Dorothy suggestively eats a cherry of a toothpick. 

Behind Quatre, Wufei can be seen setting up band equipment. For some odd reason, he is dressed up in a flower print skirt and sporting a coconut bra (Heero: Damn it! No fair! Wufei: smirking You are soooo weak.)

The tiki torches begin dimming and brightening systematically, thus signaling the imminent beginning of the show. The rest of the band, composed of Zechs, Trowa, and Lady Une, rush onto the stage. Wufei calmly takes his place behind the bongos. Meanwhile, Quatre reaches for the microphone.

"Hello there, ladies and gentlemen," he croons. Several women in the audience begin fanning themselves furiously. Quatre smiles seductively and tips his hat into a rakish angle. "How you ladies doing?" he purrs. The fanning increases until the wind gust is equivalent to that produced by a flock of Capistrano pigeons. By now, Dorothy is dropping ice down her blouse. Smirking, Quatre undoes the top button of his shirt.

"Enough!" Wufei strides over the the microphone, coconuts bouncing jauntily. He grabs the mike away. "This is INJUSTICE!! How can you weak sniveling women drool over this girly-boy when I, Wufei Chang, am clearly a more superior specimen of male virility?!" He flexes his arms. The audience remains silent. "Er...the show will begin in three minutes." Wufei shoves the mic back at Quatre, who is glaring furiously at the Shenlong pilot. Wufei smirks and strides back to his drumset. The women (and the rest of the audience) settle down for the show.

The lights dim and Wufei begins to play the bongos. Quatre, taking advantage of Wufei's preoccupation, quickly undoes several more buttons. Dorothy, eyes glued to Quatre's manly chest, quickly orders another Sex on the Beach.

Then Quatre begins to sing....

_-Her name was Relena, she was a showgirl with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there-_

Relena stumbles onto the dance floor sporting a long sequined red gown with a thigh high slit and 5 inch stiletto heels. Barely managing to stay upright, Relena begins to dance...kind of.

_-She would merengue and do the cha cha-_

By now, Relena has gotten used to the heels and has begun performing elaborate dance moves involing handsprings, flips, and a tame parakeet. From his perch on the stage, Trowa watches her intently, both impressed and envious.

'I bet I could do that,' he thinks grimly.

_-But while she tried to be a star, Heero always tended bar-_

From behind the bar, Heero coldly gazes at Relena's antics. Though his face remains expressionless, his thoughts are as follows:

'I wish Relena's skirt would hitch a bit...oh yeah.'

'He he...I could put those feathers to better use.'

'I ate a parakeet once.'

Heero is interrupted from his reveries by loud catcalls from a nearby table. 

"Take it off, baby!" yells one raucous audience member.

"You wanna play with a real animal? Come on over here!"

"I like dancing with girls...in bed!!!"

And so forth and so on. By now, Heero is chanting "omae o korosu" under his breath. Smirking evilly, he withdraws a glass vial from his pocket and pours the contents into a pitcher of beer. He flags a waiter down. "Tell them....'compliments of the bar.'"

_-Across the crowded floor, they work from eight to four. They were young and they had each other. Who could ask for more?-_

Relena stumbles to the bar. "Oh, my feet," she moans. She takes off her shoes and begins to gently rub her feet. Heero, who has imbibed one too many Mai Tais by now, gazes at her blissfully from his side of the bar.

"Relena," he whispers monotonously.

"Yes, Heero?"

"...I love you." Heero makes kissy face noises at her and starts flailing his hand in the general area of her cleavage. Relena, thoroughly disturbed, begins to slowly back away.

Meanwhile, Noin, Sally, and Hilde - sporting mini hula skirts and palm frond bandeaus - cha-cha onto the dance floor and begin performing cheesy synchronized back-up girl dances.

_-At the Copa-_

N/H/S: Co! (one arm across the chest)

_-Copacabana-_

N/H/S: Copacabana! (other arm across the chest)

_-The hottest sport north of Havana-_

N/H/S: Here! (Charlie's Angels Pose)

_-At the Copa-_

N/H/S: Co! (Noin stands with her face and arms pointed up in the air. On one side, Sally has one hand resting on her thigh and another slowly running through her hair. The expression on her face is something along the lines of, 'Come to me, my delectable morsel, and we shall make wild passionate monkey love together.' Meanwhile, Hilde has her back to theaudience and is running her hands up and down her sides, all the while making kissy noises and moaning loudly.)

"Y'know what? That Sally is hot."

"Kisama!" Wufei boinks Trowa over the head with a drumstick.

_-Copacabana! Music and passion are always the fashion at the Copa...-_

"Releeeeeeena!"

"Eeeeek!!"

Heero chases Relena across the stage.

_-They fell in love.-_

H/N/S: Copa...Copacabana...

At this point, Duo walks into the club. Sporting a zoot suit and a fedora, he is the absolute picture of mafiadom. The two hulking bodyguards flanking his sides help, too. Treize, looking suave and dapper as always, elegantly trails behind them. 

"Hey guys! Let's sit over there!" Duo energetically points to a table occupied by three dead men and an empty beer pitcher. The thugs dutifully push the bodies off the chair. A nervous waiter comes up to the table to take Duo's order.

"Get me a Budweiser. With a straw and an umbrella! In a Donald Duck Dixie cup!"

"Er...I don't think we have any Dixie cups," the waiter stutters out. One of the thugs lays a gun on the table.

"The Boss says he wants a Donald Duck Dixie cup..."

"Yes sir! Right away sir!" The waiter scurries off.

_-His name was Duo. He wore a diamond. He was escorted to his chair, he saw Relena dancing there.-_

"Hey, who's that hot babe?" Duo wondered aloud.

"Take a look at the one with the coconuts!"

Duo gives bodyguard #1 an odd look. "Uh, that person behind the drum set is a guy."

"Oh. He he, I knew that."

Treize eyes Lady Une, who is enthusiastically playing the triangle. "Lady..." he murmurs. Une's head shoots up and they lock eyes across the room.

_-When she was finished, he called her over. But Duo went a bit too far and Heero sailed across the bar-_

"Hi, my name's Duo."

"Hello, my name is Relena."

"Omae o korosu!" Face red with anger, Heero materializes at Duo's side brandishing a broken liquor bottle and a murderous expression.

_-And then the punches flew-_

Noin slaps Hilde upside the head. "You can stop making out with yourself now!"

"He he. Oh yeah."

_-And chairs were smashed in two-_

Dorothy, liquor and lust (a dangerous combination!) coursing through her veins, jumps out of her chair and makes a mad dash towards the stage. She accidentally trips on some of Treize's rose petals and stumbles over a chair, breaking it in half. Treize looks down at her in amusement.

"You must learn how to be more graceful," he states arrogantly. Seething with anger, Dorothy clubs him over the head with the back of the newly broken chair. A shrill scream erupts from the stage area and Dorothy turns around in time to see Lady Une throw her triangle Xena-style at her head. She ducks just in time. Lady Une attempts to jump off the stage and rush her, but is "accidentally" tripped by Quatre's microphone cord.

"Oh, look what I did." Quatre shakes his head. "Clumsy ol' me." 

_-There was blood and a single gunshot-_

Having taken care of Duo's two bodyguards, Heero turns to Duo, a wild light in his eyes and blood dripping off the jagged edges of his bottle. Duo whips out a gun, much to Heero's dismay. Duo pulls the trigger...and a little flag with the word "BAM!" on it in big red letters pops out. Heero laughs so hard that he cuts himself with his own bottle and bleeds to death on the floor.

"Heeeeeeero!" Relena throws herself on Heero's now lifeless body and begins to sob dramatically. "Now our unborn child will never know it's father!"

The music stops and everyone stares at her in askance. She glares back.

"Oh please! Wufei's slutting it up in that get up. Quatre and Dorothy are practically having mental sex, for pete's sake, and Hilde, Noin, and Sally aren't wearing those skirts to show off their allegedly hot legs!"

"Injustice!" Wufei sputters.

H/N/S: "Hey!"

"I'll show you a hot leg," Hilde mutters. Noin and Sally physically restrain her from kicking Relena's ass.

"This club is teeming with hormones!" Relena continues. "Don't get all high and might with me!" Treize opens his mouth to speak, but Relena whirls on him before he can get a word out. "Especially you, Mr. Rose-Stem-In-My-Pants! I've heard _all_ about you and Lady Une's triangle!" The afore-mentioned couple turns beet red.

_-But just who shot who?-_

Duo eyes Relena wearily. "He he. Technically I didn't kill him..." He flinches at the odd glint in Relena's eyes. "Uh...I think I'll shut up now." 

Relena suddenly hitches up her skirt, much to the audience's delight. The thigh holster was an added bonus. She pulls out the gun and aims it at Duo's head. "Omae o korosu."

_-At the Copa-_

H/N/S: Co! (Relena shoots but Duo dodges the shot. She hits the rose between Lady Une's lips instead.)

_-Copacabana-_

H/N/S: Copacabana! (Duo dives behind the backup girls and uses them as a human shield. Relena shrugs and shoots anyway.)

_-The hottest spot north of Havana-_

H/N/S: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! (Relena misses once more but somehow manages to shoot H/N/S's bandeaus off. The girls quickly jump behind Duo and slink off the stage with him.

_-Here at the Copa...Copacabana. Music and passion were always the fashion at the Copa-_

Duo stares down the working end of Relena's gun. It's pointed at his nose. He swallows noisily and looks up at her pleadingly. "I love you?"

Relena smirks. "I don't think so."

_-She lost her love.-_

An obscenely long instrumental portion ensues. Relena, having taken care of business, is standing at center stage loudly mourning the loss of her beloved Heero. H/N/S, having found replacement palm fronds, are now doing a little conga line across the dance floor and periodically singing "Copacabana" and "Have a banana!" Quatre has taken off his coat and his unbuttoned shirt is hanging off his arms in a style reminiscent of Billy Idol. Dorothy has glomped onto his leg. Wufei is desperately trying to play the bongos while simultaneously protecting his coconut bra from Zech's envious hands.

'I bet I could pull those off better,' Zechs thinks enviously.

H/N/S: Copacabana!

Lady Une and Treize have disappeared under their table, taking with them one bucket of ice, a lemon, Relena's tame parakeet, and the triangle. Various moans can be heard through the table cloth along with the phrases, "Your triangle makes beautiful noises" and "Ooooohh....Lady Killer. Grrr."

H/N/S: Have a banana!

Relena is drunkenly ranting at Heero's body. 

Finally, Quatre tears himself out of Dorothy's loving grasp and continues the show.

_-Her name was Relena. She was a showgirl-_

"Damn hot I was! And still am!"

_-But that was thirty years ago when they used to have a show-_

"I still look good in a bikini!" The band collectively shuddes.

_-Now it's a disco. But not for Relena.-_

Elderly, geriatric versions of N/H/S are traipsing around the dance floor in the background, all three dressed in identical platforms, beaded thigh-high dresses, and afros. They are doing the Hustle.

Meanwhile, a 50 year old version of Relena is slumped at a table, steadily making her way through a bottle of whiskey. She winks at all the young men and coyly (un)crosses her legs a la Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

_-Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair. She shits there so refined and drinks herself half-blind-_

"Buuuuuurp!" Relena drunkenly fans the air in front of her face. "Wooo-eee! That sure was a stinker."

_-She lost her youth and she lost her Heero. Now she's lost her mind! At the Copa-_

H/N/S: Co! (All three drag Trowa off the stage.)

_-Copacabana-_

H/N/S: Copacabana! (Hilde and Noin are perched on Trowa's shoulders, bright smiles on their faces and arms extended into the air. Sally is being carried in Trowa's arms, her arms about his neck. Trowa begins to spin around in circles.)

_-The hottest spot north of Havana.-_

H/N/S: Her-aaaah! (All the girls fall off and hit the floor hard)

_-At the Copa-_

H/N/S: *Moan* (Trowa looks down at the girls, shrugs, and then heads back towards the stage.)

_-Copacabana. Music and passion were always in fashion at the Copa-_

Relena adjusts her sagging top and hitches up her knee highs.

_-Don't fall in love-_

"I love you." Relena gazes dreamily at the whiskey bottle. 

_-Don't fall in love-_

"Let's get a room," she whispers conspiratorially. The bottle says nothing. Irritated, Relena sweeps it off the table and yells, "I don't need you anyway!"

_-Don't fall in love-_

The music fades. While the audience is trying to decide whether to clap or not, Une and Treize emerge from under their table and blink owlishly in the multi-colored glow of the disco ball.

"I guess they were right," Une comments. "Too much sex does screw up your eyesight."

Treize just smiles genteelly and sniffs a rose. 


End file.
